Dead, Died, Dying: Why I Avoid Using the Phrase “Passed Away”.

To pass, to pass on, to move on from this plane. I guess in the context of a ghost story it sets the mood. I was looking around to learn more about the origin of the phrase (it’s fairly common-sense) and ran into a handful of discussions posted online. According to one Redditor:

“When someone dies suddenly or violently, using "passed away" feels like we're trying to sugarcoat something that really shouldn't be. Imagine saying someone "passed away" in a tragic accident or an act of violence—it's like saying, "Oh, they just peacefully drifted off," when in reality, it was anything but peaceful.”

Ok so this perspective is perhaps a bit more bleak or gruesome than my research was aiming for, but it does still focus on my main point.

Why do some of us use the term “passed away” as opposed to “died”?

As someone who pays more attention to language than most (it’s me, Carrie), I think it’s interesting that some people make this distinction when they’re thinking about how to talk about someone’s death. I’m not saying I don’t understand why, I just think personally, and with Good Grief, we’re making a deliberate choice to say “died”. And here’s why…

In conversation, with actual human beings, I tend to mirror the language that the other person is using. If they say “passed away” I appreciate that it’s from the human tendency to want to soften the blow or use language that feels less harsh or final. Peaceful, gentle.

And to be fair, I empathize with that, but also I can’t say that I’m a huge fan of the detached, avoidant, fairly new (in less than the last 100 years) western cultural approach to handling death. I think it’s unhealthy.

I think pretending we don’t die, or that it’s not coming for all of us at some point is making a healthy, normal, universal experience into something that is locked away, and treated as something to fear or something bad.

Saying someone “passed away” creates an air of detachment and enforces the idea that death is unnatural and something we shouldn’t talk about, think about, or prepare for. Which, in my opinion, is a far less healthy or natural way to operate.

We die, all of us.

It’s what makes our lives and their fairly short duration so impactful. It’s why the things we do, love, invest ourselves in, create, care for, etc.. so important - because they aren’t permanent, they end.

Good Grief wants death to be part of more conversations because it’s a natural part of living.
Using the word “died” and normalizing frank conversations about death, how we want to die, how we want to be memorialized, can make the reality of death so much easier to manage. So if you find yourself thinking that it sounds harsh, try to think of it a bit differently. Think of death as a normal part of living and perhaps unexpectedly, as an act of care to make a hard thing less difficult.